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January 27th, 2006

10:26 pm - The new year brings some... Woohoo! I'm loving life.. I'm letting go, I'm moving on, I'm laughing my way through... Because if you stop too long, and dwell too much on whats now gone, you'll trap yourself, and become stationary. I can't believe the way I spoke to Tracey tonight... It was bloody fantastic! I put her power over me aside and just told her what I thought.. and BOYYYY was I a smart ass! And on top of that actually im not even going to mention it because well... There's no point jinxing anything :oP hehe! She's got a girlfriend now... which is great, she needs stability in her life and maybe she should be a lesson to me that I should move on and get into something a little more real than broken promises and an unrealistic future... *chuckles* even after I talked to her tonight she still wants to meet up... Because of course I still do care, but at the same time she needs to get a little worked up! I kept niggling at her and each time she was about to go I gave in just a little to keep her on the rope... The way I see it is I didn't just put away a year for nothing, because of her I've missed out on some opportunities.. Whether she denies it or not, I couldn't just move on if I had feelings for her, as easy as it is for her :OP I laughed at her that much tonight and made her sooo angry... which made me laugh even more because I can pull her strings.. I'm glad we didn't work out because I don't believe that I could trust her in a relationship... Funnily enough at the start I didn't believe there was anyone else that I could trust more! She screwed that one up... but the way I talked to her tonight was a turning point... hahaha I said I wanted to meet her groupies... and that got her all worried! So funny... I still want to meet them, I have a few plans of my own... But let's not go there just yet... there are eyes everywhere ;o) So much for being so bored... I kept giving Brendan hell as he sat with me in the kitchen trying to think of something for me to do.. In the end I jumped on the net... the 3rd time this year... and Tracey had me going for about an hr n 45 mins... But that being said the 3 times i been on the net vital things have been said... First off.. Tracey admitted to seeing her groupie Kate... Secondly Lisa admitted to not being interested in me... and then Thirdly ... My air of freedom and the way I spoke to her.. and clarifying when we're meeting up Our talking anniversary is tomorrow... One year since we started talking on the net, we've gone through a hell of a lot... lmfao and we STILL haven't met.... We'll see how it goes... I'm in a happy mood at the moment and I don't want that to just disappear ... *giggles* Current Mood: powerful Current Music: Frou Frou - Shh Tags: obsession, relationships

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July 26th, 2005

01:19 pm Ooo I feel so much better (ATM) who knows what I'll feel when it sinks in.. but I've just set myself free from someone I love.. Hopefully they'll realize what they've lost in a sense, but at the same time I don't think they will. They definately need help :) Can't help love though, doesnt matter the distance it just comes and bites you in the ass (scuse my french) ;) And also I might have a temp job at my sister's work... so after a week not working and not doing anything to find work once again work has somehow managed to find me. I spose it's karma, I always put in my best at my work, and now it's come back to help me out :) If only work karma worked for everything else too! ;) Current Mood: just.. here Current Music: Enya - Celtic Fiddle

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July 22nd, 2005

01:51 pm They unblocked me yesterday morning when they got my message, then we had it out again (its allllll so repetitive) and they reckon that im like their mum... and they feel guilty coz a lot of the stuff i accuse them of is true *Frowns* so fucken make it easy and come down and just meet me, im not all that scary.. I think the bit that frustrates me is I like them so much, and there's nothing I can do about it... And they don't care the way I do anymore, spose that's an aspect of being young and immature. I don't feel like going out and meeting other people, though at the same time I do, because it's like I want to hurt them so they understand how much they care. But then I dont want to hurt them (feel like im going around in circles) During convo they said it was too hard for them to see me online and not talk to me coz they have me blocked it was 'doing their head in' (i laughed coz that's something id say) ... so they said they had to delete me while I had my 'time off'. -dont know how i feel bout them deleting me, id rather their head 'gets done in' *rolls eyes* So now the big day that they'll unblock me is 5th August... Also Girl bar night. Current Mood: blah Current Music: I put a spell on you - Sonique

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July 20th, 2005

11:41 pm - Fool -=- or perhaps idiot? I'm a confused mixture of feelings, I don't know what's wrong with me, I thought I was so adament about what I wanted.. Then when I tried to cut the connections with a person I care about a lot.. Things went wrong and they thought that I was intentionally ignoring them... Felt like my heart was ripping apart. This is exactly the reason that I wanted to stop talking to them, because for someone online, they have a certain power over me.. And I really don't like it. And they obviously don't want to come and meet me, coz although they say they do, there are many means for it to happen, and they haven't taken any of those means. So I wanted to cut it off for a week or two, so perhaps I didn't feel so strongly about them, and well... They took my silence the wrong way, and now I've told them to block me, who knows what they are thinking. And here I am, saving a txt message telling them to unblock me.. that I'll send tomorrow morning so as not to wake them. =-=-=-=-=---=-=-=-====-=-=-=Screwball=-=-=-==-==-===-=-==-=-=-=-==-=- Net relationships are more dangerous .. not because of the physical aspect, but because of the mental aspect. And I allowed myself to be drawn in. Current Mood: Distressed Current Music: The Entertainer - Scott Joplin

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December 31st, 2004

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October 26th, 2004

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October 24th, 2004

02:29 am - Progression So much has happened in this last couple of years... and I've come to accept who and what I am... to those of you reading this that dont know... It would have been nice to tell you, but to the others it was a journey, was and still is. My love for both sexes have made some things difficult I suppose for me.. but in other ways opened up my eyes to so many other things. I've accepted crushes that have become loves, and others that have dithered and faded... Two family members I've come out to... My oldest brother whom I live with, and my cousin Andree, whom I know wouldnt tell a soul (i hope ;) I've told some friends, who've been quite accepting, and one friend Susie, who has known the longest out of my friends in real life and has been there for me through this... Funnily enough even though I'm dead set of my attraction for girls I've never kissed one... so when the time comes it'll be interesting to see if I freak out ... haha I've had 3 major crushes, and 2 little ones when I've come to think of it... First bein Anokin (major crush), who I'm sure I've mentioned before in this journal thing (my memory's shit and I havent read ne previous posts) Second being a teacher Debbie (minor crush)... her situation is a strange one... Third being the biggest crush I've ever had (major) Lee, my ex-photog teacher... very special one and turning point... Fourth, Sandy my ex-store manager (major crush)... who is so totally different from the rest, but not so.. then the last Fifth being quite minor, Vanessa whom is a teacher but never taught me... I think I used her to replace Lee... bad me.. I've come to accept it, and slowly I'm leading others to accept it too... I'm quite tired, but if it doesn't take me another 6 months to post I'll give a little more insight into things! Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Marilyn Manson - Resident Evil Main Theme

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May 6th, 2004

01:26 am - bla bla Can't believe i dribbled a few tears in psychology today... we were doing a guided relaxation thing lying on the floor in class... and just the memories of the shit i went through when i was younger going through my parents divorce hit me much harder than i woulda ever thought... now the teacher wants to refer me to student services... hehe.... i think i scared her since i dont show much emotion other than being happy in class lol Current Mood: awake Current Music: Muse- Bliss

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December 7th, 2002

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October 31st, 2002

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